Today is a good day. At least, it is going to be. Last night i returned from class, feeling just a little bit sad and sorry for myself. But i dealt. I resisted the lure of the poker game upstairs (sorry guys!) did the stuff i needed to get done, read my readings for today, and, amazingly, spent more than two hours just writing. Something i hadn't done in quite a while. It just poured out of me, i wasn't agonizing over every word, i wasn't laborously self-editing. I wasn't sitting, wasting my time, letting myself freak out about things beyond my control. I just sat and wrote, almost in a single minded frenzy, and got out what i wanted to say. Followed that thought, that creative impulse and got it down. it felt very, VERY good. Its a small thing, ( and possibly, in the sober light of morning, not that great a bit of writing) but part of the ass-kicking of yesterday's post was to stop making excuses and start making it a priority to do the things that really matter to me. My writing will get better with use.
And then i slept. Like i haven't in weeks. Deep and silent and free. i woke, at the first buzz of the alarm, without fear. You don't realize it when you've been doing it for a long time, but you notice its absense. For the past while, a seeming eternity, i realize i've woken up already scared. Already dreading the day. Dragging myself ouy of bed, wanting nothing more than to keep hiding in sleep, filled with the trepidation carried over from the night before. Today i woke without fear. What comes, comes. I'm not going to stay where i was. I'm going to take whatever steps are needed. I'm going to be ok.
It helps to actually have gone to bed at a reasonably sensible time, and to be up more than 5 min before class. To have time to reflect, to find peace before throwing onself, always behind, always trying to catch up, into the day. Again, a small thing, but getting up and getting to work when i resolve to do it is also part of what i want the new me to be, and it feels good, for once, to plan it and actually have it happen. Hey, i'm seizing the small victories here. Even doing that, it suddenly seems like i have so much more time. ( Though i know part of the reason i'm suddenly finding more free time on my hands, and I admit that, while one part of me is quietly happy about it, still stings a bit) But hey. i have time to write. I have time to blog. (yay!) I have time to sort myself out. I might actually survive school, and come out of it with something to show. These are good things.