Can't sleep. Again. I was doing better for a couple days, but now i'm lying here and my mind just won't stop. Can't. Stop. Thinking. Its really annoying. I'm exhausted, have an early class tomorrow, and here i lie, completely unable to sleep. Jaques runs incessently, much like my mind. Going over everything. Too much. Where i've been. How i ended up here. Where things might be going. The past seems distant. Ancient. Irretreivable. Misty and irrelevant. Strangely, the future is a big, white nothing. Blank. Odd that i should just be noticing this. I'm used to thinking in terms of where i am going. what will happen when. Used to thinking in terms of tomorrow. I may have, in the past, indulged in a great deal of agony about which path of a particular set of options to choose, but i always saw something ahead. I could always follow those paths, see how they might end up. It was the detail and plausibility of those fully imagined alternate lives that made choices so difficult. To aim for one was to abandon hope of the other. Some lives had to die if one was to have a chance to live.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year. The next ten years. I can't see it. I have no idea. Strange that this should seem a new feeling. I have nothing but now, nothing but today, this hour, these thoughts. No other certainties, no comforting thing or situation that i can count on to always be there, to remain the same. No "once-i-get-there" to look forward to. This is, suddenly, incredibly, unbeleivably scary.

At the same time, having no tomorrow might be just what i need to enable meaningful action today. Always did feel i had difficulty living in the moment. Now, maybe, i suddenly find myself with no choice but to do so.

All those possible lives, all those fully constructed, self-contained worlds i could plug myself into, if i only knew how to start, seem to have fallen apart, or dissapeared, or merged into each other beyond recognition, or something, leaving me with a big, messy unknown.

I really, profoundly, at this moment, don't know what to do with myself.

I'd say i don't know who i am, but the phrase is too steeped in cliched associations to have any meaning. I'd say rather that the identity i've been working with for the last little while is invalid. It doesn't hold up. It isn't healthy. It isn't me. It needs to be discarded, put off, like my old plaid shirts, ball caps, and super baggy jeans.

So where does that leave me? I don't know who i am or what to do with myself. The past is out of reach and the future is blank.
Sound depressing?
Hell, sounds like a fresh start to me.