Hey, its nice that everyone's concerned. No, that's not a sarcastic, leave-me-the-@#$&!-alone comment, i really mean it. Yes, i am having a hard time. Yes, i do notice that you notice, and it means something. In the spirit of what we're supposed to be about here, i'm not ashamed to say that right now, i'm ok with a little help, a little encouragement, a little prayer. Heck, if you're exceptionally lucky, i might even take advice. I'm a little overwhelmed, a little more than usually daunted by the frightening gap between this-is-where-i want-to-be and this-is-where-i-am. Again, i appreciate people being there, even peripherally, while i sort this out. But i'm not looking to make it all go away. I don't need a quick fix. I need to be here. i need to feel this. I need to feel this hurt, to let the full weight of it rest on me - so i can finally face where it comes from, deal with things i've run from my whole life, get healthy and start moving in a better direction. It may involve opening old wounds, and may get a bit ugly before it gets better. It may have to involve professional help. Probably will. But i'm tired of this shit and i know i don't have to be like this.

I appreciate my few ass-kicking friends. We're such a "mind your own business" culture; it isn't always good for us. I appreciate people who have the guts to tell things to me straight. Tell me i'm full of shit. Tell me i'm being an idiot. Who can tell me, in respect and genuine concern, that i need to get help. Which is scary- but not as scary as the thought of spending another thirty years like this. Thirty years is already WAYYY too long to spend waiting to live. Enough is enough. i'm putting it in print so i can't weasle out of it. A little sadness is part of life, sure, but morbid paralysis sure as hell doesn't have to be.