I just successfully flirted two girls into buying coffee, when they had been disscussing going to Second Cup instead. I have to try that more often. And then ask for a raise.

This me at the cafe, which is starting to feel a bit like a second home, lately. Not sure why, really. I'm not working there that much. Its more central, i guess, and maybe i like being closer to where the action is. Those who've been following current events, er, don't read too much into that. That wasn't what i meant.

I am shifting quietly between worlds at the moment. Its odd...i see some around me going through wrenching agony about their course in life, their uncertain future. I recognize it, but strangely, for once, it isn't me. Not that i see my future laying itself out neatly in front of me...anything but. My life seems to make less sense the longer it lasts...maybe it doesn't bother me anymore. And its a legitemate argument that maybe it still should. Not the wrenching agony part, mind you - i don't find that particularily useful.
I can remember being paralyzed by the baffling array of different paths available to me. Maybe time and choices, (somtimes made out of simple frustration with all the indecision) have narrowed those options, but i still face a number of quite divergant routes my life could take. . And once again, at some point, choices between them must be made.
I had an odd sort of realization this week. I don't think i'll describe the circumstances on here, but i think taking a few steps down a road that represents something i definitely DON'T want, and the simple realization of that, helped make my picture of what i DO want a little clearer. And while this is hardly profound, forming a clearer picture of what you'd like things to look like makes it a bit easier to start building something that vaguely resembles it.

I am surprisingly relaxed.

And i still need new shoes.

Swell. Now that last post makes absolutely no sense. Good work Ali!

Hmm. I'd love to pretend that giant block of empty space at the beginning of my blog was intended to have symbolic value, but really, i just can't figure out how to get rid of it.

I suppose anyone who REALLY wants to know about me will scroll down.

Inconvenient, that the people/events/ things most usefully forgotten are also those that most stubbornly persist in bringing themselves back into the mind.

A slow, strange, slightly sad weekend. Spent in an isolation that was sometimes shared. I don't think its just me, but there seems to be an undercurrent of loneliness in everything and everyone i pass through, even, especially, in the frenzied, desperate jubilance on whyte ave. So many people, living in such close proximity...actual, meaningful connections betweeen them so rare and fleeting. Loneliness amplified the closer we get to another person, purified and distilled to its essence., this ache being the most powerful thing we share, and the one that most eludes communication, something...deep, that never translates into words. I want to say i understand, that i know, that the place i sense they are is a place i've been, and, in truth, am never far from, a home devoid of comfort exept in familiarity. You fill with a compassion, natural and unbidden, springing from recognition of something you know too well. Attempts to speak falter, trail off into the blandly trite and inadequate. Sometimes there are gestures that fare slightly better. Sometimes, all you can give is silence. I get angry at the impotence of my words, but i somehow can't stop them from pouring out , as if volume will fill the hole, as if i can patch an ancient wound with a frail fabric of nice phrases. I hear myself say things that have been said to me, at other times, and didn't offer a speck of comfort then either.

Amongst those i can't help caring about i am aware of significant pain - in some cases faintly sensed, slight, nagging- in others...bald and unmitigated. I am as helpless against it in them as i am in myself. If i could...

Stop me before I...too late.

Its so dead in here I've had to resort to watching Hockey. This is a new low.

I'm beginning to wonder why we bother staying open during these things. I mean, it has to be a pretty slow night to not cover my salary, but still...

Its been a long day, but a good one. It starts with a brisk 530 am ride over the deserted Capilano bridge into the just-risen sun. The valley is swirling with a thick mist. For a moment, i'm not in a city...on a freeway- i'm crossing an ancient ruin over some dream-like, timeless landscape. The impression lingers, as i drive to the job site with Freddie the stoic Ecuadorian mormon. A dense fog blankets the west of the city. The industrial ugliness on either side of the yellowhead is hidden from view. Perhaps, one can only hope, it has ceased to exist. The yellowhead spontaneous dissapearing in a freak dimensional vortex could only improve the city.Our car and the road are alone in the fog. A few tree tops, a slew with some jagged stumps, are glimpsed - i smile and humour the notion that this is a remote highway, surrounded by vast wilderness in all directions.

I work alone all day - which is good, because no one is there to hear what comes out of my mouth the second time i drop my pliers off a fourth floor balcony - but it also amounts to Eight hours of peace and quiet in which to think. I find myself praying as i work. Its been a while since I've been in the space to do it. Praying for friends i am concerned about. Just praying about life. And feeling better for it. Praying to sort out certain things in my life, to know what's going on...to be sure. And i think, tonight, i got at least part of an answer.

Ah, Church...i missed you. It was good to be here. And to think i almost slept through it. MY mental objections and philosophical issues about church remain untouched, yet it feels incredibly good to be back here. Like home. with these people, singing these ridiculous songs. With people who pray, and who trust. Pastor Ron's warm hearted sermon, one of those that gently sinks past my wearied and beaten-down defenses by seeming to have been written to directly address my current state of mind, a pointed response to my last night's broodings. Not the kind of sermon that leaves you feeling guilty for everything you aren't doing that you ought to be, rather a reminder of a different way to live, and the quiet suggestion that i might be going about things in an unessesssarily difficult way.

Once again, a week in which i have managed to insult, offend, annoy, alienate, piss off, and possibly creep out a significant number of the people I know. Must make a mental note, that when one is in this sort of mood, not speaking or attempting to communicate with anyone in anyway is probably a good idea. Without seeking to make excuses for bad or thoughtless behavior, a good chunk of the aforementioned "mood" is likely a result of plain physical exhaustion. Its a poor excuse because it is well within my power to be far less exhausted. I'm exhausted because i'm not sleeping enough while still doing fairly strenuous physical work all day. I'm not sleeping because i'm up talking to people, seeking the comfort of some social interaction, and nobody seems to be around until past my bedtime. So, in a way, the situation should be self-remedying. I stay up talking to people, which makes me exhausted, which makes me grumpy/wierd/just plain boring, which in turn makes people not want to talk to me, which means, if i keep this up, i will drive away all my friends, and finally be able to get some sleep. Yippee!

Well...that's about enough of that. Its a pity, because I enjoyed the comment about needing a witness for insurance reasons, and, as always, the mystification of J. However, I didn't enjoy the reminder of what that particular block of text stood for everytime I logged in, and i don't feel like burying it beneath a torrent of new rambles. Reading it made me sad.

But i'm not going to lose sleep over it.

In other news, I caught a hint of the most wonderful smell on the way home. I couldn't identify it...it was food, it was spicy, it was...indescribably good. And it was totally new, full of the promise of discovering a fantastic new taste, and a fantastic new restaurant, which surely could be the only thing this was, since i was in a business area, with no houses nearby. I stopped and circled, looking for the source. I was going to find wherever that smell was coming from, and ready to pay them anything they wanted for whatever heavenly concoction produced it. Really. That good.

Sadly, my search came to rest on a series of small apartments hidden above a row of shops, a faint smoke issuing from an open window. Denied! If that was a family meal, i need to find out if that family has a daughter...