So i had a long and angst-ridden conversation with Chuck this afternoon. ( I'll let you guess who had all the angst.) yes, i want to be moving in a more positive direction, but i'm not buying that the way to do that is simply pasting on a happy face and pretending its all ok. And it's so relieving to just spew, to say exactly what you really think and feel, the good, bad and ugly, knowing that you're not going to be looked down on for displaying your lack of perfection, for not having it all together, for not always feeling what i should feel, or what makes sense to. And, hopefully, that it isn't going to cause that person to treat you differently, like some kind of walking disease or open, bloody wound, to tip-toe around you , trying to be polite and not mention it, but secretly revulsed by the raw, exposed mass of emotional flesh... er, sorry. That's the ugly part.

Its not that easy to have to face that the last few years of your life have been, to a great extent, a train wreck, and that its entirely your own fault.
Watching things go swimmingly for others doesn't really make that realization easier to deal with. Not that that's their fault.

All things considered, i think i'm handling things reasonably well.

You think this stuff is easy? Try it some time.