I have a really great job.
I was monstrously grumpy this afternoon- exhausted, but unable to sleep, set off by something that always sets me off, but shouldn't.There are some things i've been feeling pretty good about lately, but there's still, apparently, a name, and today, a face, attached to a whole string of memories i can do without, that manages to find one of my deepest wounds, plunge in the jagged, rusty[spoon], and twist. And that brings out my least favourite side of me. Somewhere in my stumbling, simmering stupor I was probably a jerk to a friend-which made me feel guilty, which just made me grumpier. Add that to the lovely experience of rush hour traffic on the first day of snow- and i was in a rollicking good mood by the time i was ready to head off for work. Oh, yeah. rollicking. I was ready to commit some kind of war crime. Or vote for Harper. Or something REALLLY antisocial.

BUT!!!

Somewhere between my genocidal brooding when i bundled up, left the car, and launched out into the bitter wind, and my stroll down a nearly abandoned whyte avenue surrounded by streetlit flakes... the anger seemed to drain out, and it was quiet- just me , and snow, and the patter of it on my coat.and i was just...blank, for a while. and i came, finally into the warm cafe, early, and just sat-sat and thought about nothing at all, just being warm, and slowly coming back to where i was, in a bright cafe, where people are laughing, and pleasant, coffee smelling beverages are being passed around under my nose...
By the time i put on my apron and start pretending to work, i'm back. And though its been, i think, 48 hours since i last slept, i'm feeling ok. I'm actually feeling pretty good. I'm lookin g forward to sitting down and working through my physics, which must mean, in fact, that i am now so tired i am delusional.

Speaking of delusional- this morning when i went into hub mall- i could swear i was seeing things. I'm used to rushing past streams of overly made-up women and the slick boys of the university 'pick me!pick me!' meat market- but this morning everywhere i looked it was mishapen dwarfs, long-faced gouls, cackling hags ( really) like i had stepped into some bizarre alternate dimension of hub-mall, the circus side-show.In reality, its probably just exam-stressed students with bags under their eyes, pale from lack of sunlight, and bad hat-hair because of the cold- but it was surreal- everyone i saw looked ...off, deformed, in some way....
Reflection of how i felt? Or how long ago i had my glasses prescription changed...

Oh, and speaking of earlier grumpiness, now pleasantly dissapated- don't worry. I wasn't mad at any one in particular. Just myself, 'fate', Edmonton drivers, and the forces of gravity, to name a few.