so its over... for now.
I don't feel heaven-like rest.
Exam stress seems to have seemlessly slipped into crazy holiday last minute Christmas stress.
I don't feel that peace ...i feel kind of numb.
I've theoretically had some fun, hung out with some good friends, but somehow, i didn't seem present for it- i feel like i'm swimming, like others' words are coming to me through murky water...they are blurry images to me, like i am seperated from them by this thick, enveloping medium...i watch myself moving, slowly, i hear myself speaking...it sounds like someone else. I am watching, from this soft, thick coccoon, from this odd distance, as someone else lives my life - or rather, continously fails to live it. This alternate version of myself is not one i particularily like- he doesn't feel much like me, or who i want to be- who i, maybe, thought i was...i want to supplant him, take control, banish that distanced, detached slow and constricted subsitiute, but i can't seem to reach him, though he floats nearby, just within reach... I see myself grabbing and shaking, only to look down and find my arms still at my sides. I will myself to hurl my body forward, but my surroundings don't seem to change. It feels just like waking up continously only to discover each time that i'm still dreaming.
Something feels wrong with me - despite assuring myself repeatedly that i know where i'm going, and what i need to do, i haven't, for the last week or so, been able to shake the feeling that something is wrong...perhaps, even physically...
Maybe i'm just recovering from the paper/exam frenzy...maybe i'm returning to a state school served to distract me from...
But i feel dull. Empty. Not manifestly unhappy, certainly not hurt or lonely, just ...not...here, somehow...
Anybody have the faintest sense of what i'm talking about?