the sweet smell of impending DOOM...

At this point school is finally begining to come upon me in all its fury. I am facing the harshness of how much i WILL NEED to rachet up my work ethic...i'm not scared...just the "oh, shit, here it comes" before the storm. LIke a man setting out to climb a mountain, standing at the first sheer cliff face, looking up and taking a deep, sobering breath, steeling himself to the realization of what he has taken on. It's like resignation, only a little more positive.
Its been a long time since i've experienced this- i don't have a choice, i MUST work. I do not have the option of stalling, of waiting, nor, really, of turning tail and running. The things i hope to gain from this will not drop in my lap, and for once, i know exactly what needs to be done. And while the effort required is intimidating, having a clearly defined task feels really, really good. ( my life is otherwise lacking in clear definitions...)

I'm becoming comfortable with more and more ambiguity- particularily in matters of faith. On one level, it seems a little absurd for us wee little people to speak with great certainty and detail about the ways, dealings , and order of God - and, strangely, at the same time, my experience of Him, His reality to me, is convincing enough that i have no problem allowing him to be as mysterious as he wants to be. One does not need to SEE to know, to sense, to feel, to experience... (: one certainly does not need to see or understand the whole.

You know, its true...sometimes it IS better not to see.

School

Well, this it ...
I've put off thinking about it as long as possible because i know once i'm in it, i will become entirely immersed - or i will fail miserably. I know from past experience that i can't do this unless i let it become my world. That said- i'm not nervous. maybe i should be, but i know it's well within my capabilities. Just have to take it- pardon the phrase Ali - Seriously.

Now that it's started, i'm excited. I love campus in the fall, the leaves, the slanted orange-ish light, the bustle, the energy of new things, enthusiasm for ideas not yet numbed and dulled by crushing stress and expectations of performance.
I'm looking forward to this.

public prayer?

Tonight at the cafe i had a slightly unusual request- a fellow with a bit of a thick accent, leaned over the counter and asked me something, very quietly, and rather nervously, as if he was embarrassed to be asking. I couldn't understand clearly at first, i heard something like " need a place..." and something that sounded like " play" initiallly, i though he was a musician asking about the possibility of a gig here, but gradually it dawned on me that he was asking if it was ok for him to PRAY here, which, you have to admit, is a request for permission you don't hear every day. My Christian thinking ( this being a pseudo-christian cafe) had me respond, with a puzzled expression, " yeah. sure. why not?" Being from the sort of perspective where prayer is no particular " big deal" , a simple conversation with God that can be entirely silent, in one's head, or involving, at most, some slightly odd looking bowing of ones head, i couldn't imagine having to ask. he was by himself. I wasn't imagining a noisy pentecostal prayer meeting . I gestured to the couches or tables, fishing a bit , trying to understand the request. " You just looking for a quiet place?"
He looked even more uncomfortable and embarassed.
" No, you see... i have to , you know, stand up, kneel, lie down..."
He performed a quick mime of the actions, and i instantly recognized the distintive pattern. He was a muslim, and he needed a place to do his regular prayers, facing mecca. Now i was embarrassed, for having misunderstood, for the strange sort of embarrassment that accompanies religous things, supposedly personal, private things, happening outside their accustomed boundaries. Which is odd, because i'm a Christian, and i certainly haven't always been private about it. Maybe i was embarrased beacuase i was a christian and he was a muslim, embarrassed for the crusades, for Iraq, for all that nonsense and bad blood, and the assosiated baggage that accompanied our respective fatihs, embarassed because this young man was embarassed, having to humble himself before a foreigner and ask permission to take part in a normal part of his everyday life in my cafe.
I assured him that i had no problem with it, and he gestured to the other people in the cafe. I tried to assure him it wouldn't bother anybody, but he still somewhat sheepishly set up his samll mat in the back of the cafe. I was distacted by business, and didn't want to add to his discomfort by staring, so he was finished before i noticed.
it was a bit of an odd moment, but since i've been trying to figure out what should be so odd about it.